Harry Potter And The Humor Of It All
by Rocker-Of-Random
Summary: This is a Fred and George fic. Humor, humor, humor. Not sure what I'm going to do with it but thanks to all my friends who helped me write it! Fred and George meet two very strange girls...maybe that's all I should say... Check it out!
1. Of Alpaca Hair And Ginnys Song

Chapter 1: Of Alpaca Hair And Ginny's Song

A/N: I don't own Harry Potter or the other characters!!!!! Please don't sue!! I'll give you a balloon!!! A green one!!!!!

The big banana, the only one that had arms, legs, a face and could talk was in front of Fred.   
"I...WANT...TO...EAT...BANANAS!!!!!!" Fred screamed in frustration. The boy would be labelled as psychotic. But don't label people. It's bad. Anyway, he ran towards the pile of normal bananananananas (sorry about that), well a pile of normal bananas (YEAH! I got it right! Sorry. Anyway...)  
"Not YET!" The banana screamed.  
"Couldn't I just have one?" Fred tried puppy dog eyes. It failed. Or he failed. Either way.  
Banana: "NO!"  
Fred: "FINE!"  
Fred: "Please?"   
Banana: "NO!"  
Fred: "NGGH! YIN GULFU CHEH! FESTOE!" He pushed the banana off the edge of the earth. There is an edge of the earth. You know it.  
Fred was consuming that big pile of bananas I mentioned earlier when George flew, as in with large, white feathery wings, over to see Fred.  
George: "'Allo, Fred!"  
Fred: "George! You grew wings?"  
George: "That in fact involves great over-consumption of Red Bull...Can I have a banana?"  
Fred: "NO!" Gasp " YOU ARE NOT WORTHY OF THIS RICH NONCHALANT FRUIT!!!"  
George: "Nonchalant?"  
Fred: "Straying off topic!"   
George: "Right. And why may I not eat one of these bananas?"   
Fred: Gasp Fred acted as if George had uttered something hideously profane. "YOU SHOULD RESPECT YOUR EFFING ELDERS SOMETIME SOON INSTEAD OF CALLOTTING AROUND WITH YOUR STUPID RED BULL!!!! RESPECT YOUR ELDERS!"  
George: "Fred if you mean for me to respect the likes of you, you aren't really my elder considering your only older than me by like, 55 seconds."  
Fred: "Yeah...Well...Shut up!"

"FRED! GEORGE! WAKE UP YOU SON OF A I-BETTER-NOT-COMPLETE-THIS-SENTENCES! WE'RE GOING SHOPPING FOR BILL AND FLEUR'S WEDDING TODAY, AND MOM SAYS IF YOU DON'T GET UP SOON YOU'LL HAVE TO PAY!!!" a voice screamed from the door. It was Ginny. When neither of the twins moved she waltzed over to Fred's bed and started jumping on the bottom around his feet in circles singing a strange song the two boys had never heard before.

"THERE ONCE WAS A STRANGE HIPPOPOTOMUS NAMED MOORE,  
THAT STUPID BLASTED BEAST DRESSED TOO MUCH LIKE A WHORE!   
ONE DAY SHE GOT DRUNK  
AND THE ONLY THING SHE HEARD WAS, uh, KABADALAFUNK  
IN TURKEY WRAPPERS ON THE FLOOR.

OL' MRS. MOORE,  
WELL SHE JUST NEVER GOT ENOUGH,  
OF THAT FANCY GARBAGE AND JEWELS AND HIDEOUS CIELING WAX STUFF,  
ONE NIGHT WE TOOK HER TO THE PEOPLE IN WHITE COATS,  
AND SHE SAID "NOT A SNOWBALL'S CHANCE IN HELL, FOLKS!"

AND THEN SHE SWAM THE CANDY BAR CHOCOLATE RIVER  
A FINE DAY IT WAS  
SHE CAME OUT COVERED IN CHOCOLATE  
IT WAS PRETTY NASTY,  
SO WE RAN AWAY IN A SNOWMOBILE THAT WE NAMED PATSY

...BECAUSE OF A TURKEY  
ON A PIE   
SURFING IN TOKYO  
AND A JAR OF CHEESE WHIZ  
IN ANCHOVIO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Did you make that up off the top of your head?" Fred asked, mildly interested.  
"Yes. Unfortunately." She gasped.  
"Isn't she TALENTED?!?!" George gaped, ironically.  
"It's her way of announcing Harry got here last night." Fred predicted.  
"Guys just get up or I'll set fire to your eyelashes again!" Ginny said, yanking on George's arm. She fell over.  
"Okay! I'll get up to harass you all today! One second!" Fred said.  
"That means you have to get up too George!"  
"Why are you getting up, Fred?" George asked as Fred picked up random clothing articles off the cluttered floor.  
"Because I want to feed Harry those new peach dream faint pills as a trial run. I'll just slip one into his drink and it'll dissolve and he'll never trust us again!" He smiled. Today was going to be a good day.  
"FRED!" Ginny shrieked.  
"Oh, shut up, Ginny! You're only saying that because you fancy him!" George argued.  
"Well at least I don't harass the poor boy to hell! He won't even trust you with his drink in the first place! You can't really expect him too! He's a good deal smarter than that!" She defended.  
"What, so now if you trust Fred and George Weasley, clearly you've either gone mad or you are an idiot?" George questioned, slightly offended.   
Ginny thought about it for a second..."Yes." she came up with. George was still groaning about in bed.  
"Ginny?" he moaned.  
"Yes?"  
"If you wake us up tomorrow, I swear on my wand you'll go to hell."  
"Oh, well, I'll meet you there!" She chirped, and skipped out the door.  
"I'm going to feel so incredibly bad for Harry when they get married..." George grumbled.   
In the middle of breakfast, consisting of eggs, sausage, and toast, (wish my mother would make me these meals) Ron came down in only boxers and extremely messy hair.

The room fell suddenly and deafeningly silent.

Ginny muttered something about his hair looking like a porcupine giving birth to alpacas. Harry was the only one who heard this and choked on some toast. Fred thumped him on the back.

The room once again fell silent.

"I just noticed something," Harry started, "Where's Hermione?" 

Everyone looked around.

Hermione was indeed missing. 

Great.

Ron scurried out of the room, his face completely camouflaging with his red hair.

The twins started up with "Weasley is Our King" except changing the lyrics, retitling the song: "Weasley's not a virgin".

"I did NOT hear that!" Mr Weasley stated.

"Of course not!" Fred grinned.

Ginny ran upstairs screaming after Ron "ALPACA-HAIR! YOU BETTER BE USING CONDOMS!!!"

Harry was trying to hide his Harry-like grin but everyone knew that he was laughing in his mind.

That's right, Harry Potter, laugh while you still can.

Whoa!!!!

A/N: Woah. I'm sorry, this was weird. This chapter was very short. Tell me if I should make them longer!!! Please review! I love reviewers!!! I might kill Harry off later though... But nothing is going to be released to the general public just yet!!!! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

crickets 

Hmmph.

Tough crowd. 


	2. Ice Cream, Rebels,And Magic Muggle Words

**A/N: I'm not J.K.R. As much as I wish to be her... Oh come on! I'm not that desperate! At least, I've never put more than four dollars in pennies and nickels into a fountain while wishing for it... Hey! She's rich! She can get away with anything! Who wouldn't want to be her?! Anyway... My point is -although not made very clearly- I don't own any of the characters except maybe 2 strange girls in this chapter and... Oh! A strange man with sideburns with whom Harry shares a very strong feeling of fright. Just read the chapter!**

** Chapter 2: Of Ice Cream, Rebels, And Magic Muggle Words.**

Once at Diagon Alley, everyone split into three groups. Fred and George were one group, Harry, Hermione, Ron and Ginny another. And Fleur, Bill and Mr. and Mrs. Weasley the last. \line\line The twins decided to go into this new place, Scream Cream. (yes, I know it's a cheesy name) It was famous for the muggle sound system and all the muggle cds there. It was also an ice cream shop! Yay!

They walked in. The only staff was a girl who had her back to them, and was, in fact, the only other person in the store.

Was this really an ice cream shop? The place had a dance floor with neon floor tiles that lit up randomly. A sparkling disco ball was dangling from the middle of the ceiling. There was no music on the stereo, but the girl was listening to an iPod.

This girl caught your eye... Her hair was every colour but a normal one. Streaked neon tones. Electric blue, those cheap plastic boats type of yellow colour, hot pink, bright red... All the way around! She had a green staff apron on over faded jeans with tears and rips and a blue tank that said "LIVE TO DREAM" in hot pink sparkly letters. She had a ring through her left nostril. And she appeared to be... Not organizing cds, but disorganizing them. As this unknown girl turned around, she blew a bubble of watermelon gum until it popped with very pursed lips. It seemed her eyelashes were extremely long and her eyes an emerald green. She had a stubborn chin. Fred seemed lost in her eyes... \line\line She began singing to herself quietly...

"She's a rebel,

She's a saint,

She's the salt

Of the earth,

And she's dangerous."

She was not the best singer. Actually she was a wretched as a singer. But she snapped out the beat with huge ring covered fingers and seemed like a person who was always having fun with time and never forgot anything. She seemed to get lost in her own mind for a minute, closing her eyes. She was a person who thought "As soon as you're born you start dieing, so have fun with the moment."

She put the song she had been singing on the stereo and put her iPod behind the counter and finally looked up at the twins. She raised her eyebrows and thought "If they wanted anything, they'd ask!"

Someone walked in. Draco. Alone. \line\line George smiled. "Leave your mother to dance on the poles by herself at the club this time, Draco?"

Fred made a snorting noise in the back of his head and you could tell he was holding back a laugh. George looked at him and thought Fred was trying so hard not to laugh, it looked like some unidentified liquid would pour out his ears.

"A Scoop of vanilla on a waffle cone." Draco said after glaring at the twins. The girl behind the counter was smiling at the two redheads.

"No." She responded, leaning against the back wall and filing her nails.

After a while, Draco asked "Why?"

"Because you didn't say please." The staff-girl said casually.

"Fine! Please!"

"No!"

"Why?"

"Because there's none left!"

"Yes there is! There's just enough for one scoop!" The twins stood there, amazed. They had never seen Draco helpless. Or desperate, to that matter. The staff-girl blew her nails and picked up a plastic spoon from somewhere behind the counter, reached for the tub of ice cream, and shovelled the rest of the vanilla into her mouth.

"No...There's... Not..." she said with a full mouth.

"I'll have a scoop of tiger then," Draco said. "On a waffle cone." The girl shrugged. Fred kept trying to catch the letters on her name tag. She rolled her eyes and grabbed a plain cone and shoveled a scoop of pistachio ice cream on it and then adding sprinkles, crushed almonds, and topping it off with a cherry.

She stuck her tongue out as if about to lick the cherry off the top.

"I think that's mine," Draco said in a screwed-over tone, just before she did. The girl shrugged again and handed him the cone. He continued, "I don't think I ordered this..."

"Well how else do we rid ourselves of the crappy flavors?" She grinned. Malfoy was very frightened. "A galleon and three sickles. And don't expect me to say please, known to muggles as the 'magic word'. Because I've got lots of those shoved up my ass." Draco got out the cash.

"Don't you think that's a bit much?" She snatched the money from him.

"That's what your girlfriend said." She grinned. Apparently, she could be quite wicked. "You want reasons why it costs what it does? Fine," She paused. "A) You got sprinkles. B)You got a cherry. C) You, uh, got extra napkins!" She took a handful of napkins from a dispenser and threw them on him. "D)I need a tip. Actually most of it was my tip but the world's a twisted place!" She pushed him out the door, and hastily walked over to the twins.

"That was crazy!" George said.

"Absolutely mental!" Fred added.

"We're Fred and George, but unless you really get to know us you won't know the difference. Identical twins." George cleared up.

"You own the joke shop!" She chirped. "I'm Gwennice, but you heard me before telling off that idiot just in here that I had allot of magic words to throw at him. If you actually call me Gwennice, you might not only get your share of that but also a fist to your face. Call me Gwe-"

"GWEN! SHIFT IS OVER!!! Well actually, it ended two hours ago, but, uh, I got stuck in traffic!" A voice from the back room insisted.

"Uh-huh. Right. Floo traffic." Gwen rolled her eyes.

The other unknown voice came out from the back. She had shoulder-length, Kool-Aid red hair. She also wore a nose ring and underneath a staff apron she wore a red and black striped tee and a long, layered black skirt. Today's theme was skulls because she was wearing a skull necklace, skull earrings, a skull hair band and skulls on her shoes. "Right, I'm Crystal!" she announced with integrity as she sat at the last seat at Fred and Georges table. She wasn't as stunning as Gwen. Actually, she wasn't all that close. But she was even more stubborn and her eyes were deep hazel and seemed to tell stories.

And for George...

That's all that mattered.

** A/N: Thank you to my only reviewer who isn't even one of my friends!!!!! fallingdevils-blackmail, you are truly fabulous!!!! Oh and by the way, yes I know. This chapter should not have been under the "humor" category at all. Sorry! author gets slaughtered by tomatoes Hey! That wasn't nice! At least it was longer! I'll update soon! Please review! Constructive critisism welcome!**


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